Congress

(As always, the butchered version can be found here.)
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Perhaps some of you have not been listening to my past few radio addresses and are hoping to catch up. I, being your President have anticipated that and therefore made this into my reader’s digest Congress edition radio show. I hope that by the end of this broadcast, you are able to hate Congress for not listening to me as much as I do.

There are four basic places where it seems that Congress is trying to ruin your lives. First, they’re trying to make sure the terrorists can follow us home. Secondly, they don’t want me to be able to tap phones with as much reckless abandon as I want. Third, they want taxes to be paid so that, as they put it, “the government can function”, and fourth, they are trying to keep government from running.

Congress should be funding the war on terrorism. Instead, they want the terrorists to have your home address and phone number. I can think of no other reason that they have delayed giving me the funding that I asked for. It’s like I’ve been warning you, America, they seem to want to have something to do with how the war is run. It’s ridiculous! Who are they to want a say in government? I am the President!

Pentagon officials have recently warned Congress that there is precious little time left to do what I say before the world erupts in a fiery fireball of terrorist destruction. But did Congress capitulate? No. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates even notified Congress that soon he would have to stop using civilian operations in Iraq and prepare military bases for reduced operations since they weren’t being funded enough. Before you think that’s what you wanted, America, remember that we have to support our troops. Congress doesn’t think so, and they have people in Congress who would like it if two men could get married.

Number 2, is the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, or FISA. FISA helps our intelligence operatives monitor terrorist communications while protecting the freedom of the American people. Without it, I’d have to go to the communications giants again and ask them for your phone records, and you didn’t like that last time. Unfortunately, FISA’s pretty old, and it’s about to be expired. The law expires on February 1st – while the threat from our terrorist enemies does not. That expires in when freedom blossoms in the heart of every person in the world.

Congress claims that they have sent me several bills which would have modernized FISA, but I say that they did not arrive on a non-veto day. Also, they weren’t quite what I wanted, and as you should know by now, America, I desire the exact amount of freedom that you need. Too much is too much, and too little is too little. I will continue to veto Congress’s FISA bills and tell them that they haven’t sent it to me until they send me the FISA bill that I want.

And hey, did you forget the AMT? You know, the Alternative Minimum Tax that Congress is yet to fix. Well I haven’t, because I look out for you, America. Congress sent me a bill that they said would fix it, but in order to replace the revenue that they’d be loosing by fixing the AMT, they tried to raise taxes in other places and cut spending. That is ridiculous. Congress must realize that money is unlimited in this country. Who cares if we spend more than we get in? We’ve already got a national debt, so what if it goes up a little? There is no need to connect spending with how much we receive from taxes. We can always borrow more from China.

Finally, Congress has important work to do on the budget. Congress has to fund the day-to-day operations of the Federal Government, but here, at so close to the end of the year, they are still far from sending me a budget that matches the one I have in my head. They want to spend 4% more next year than I do! Congress needs to compromise, a little bit! America, you may think that 4% is a small percentage, but I would remind you that the 4% they want to add is 4% that would kill your baby.

How is Congress fulfilling what they promised when they took control at the start of the year? They are trying to do things differently than how I want to. How dare they! I will continue to use my veto power until they run government the way I want them to, and I will continue to tell you, America, that it is their fault that I did it.

The time of multiple voices in government really is over. For the first six years of my presidency, we had a unified government that was run almost exclusively from my administration, and I don’t think anyone can argue that it went badly. Today, America, as the holiday season approaches, I urge you to contact Congress and ask them to make it that way again. Otherwise, the terrorists win.

Thank you for listening.

END

Congress

Thanksgiving (Again)

(As always, the butchered version can be found here.)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. This week, Laura’s private maid put a delicious turkey in the oven for us, letting me know that it was Thanksgiving. I gave thanks for many things. I was thankful for my little dog Barney, for our great future success in Iraq, and for how I am sure that History will look upon me as a great president. And now, just to make all those atheists in our country feel the fires of hell upon their backs, I’m going to remind you that I am a Christian. Everything comes from God, and if you are an atheist, I don’t like you.

Now I know you thought I was going to spend just last week talking about Thanksgiving, but this year, I really felt that two addresses on Thanksgiving were important. In recent years, I’ve talked about other things on Thanksgiving outside of God and the Holiday, but I feel a little bit lonely right now, so instead, I think I’d prefer to try and reenergize my base. So let me remind you of this: our country was started by a bunch of people who really liked God, and their first Thanksgiving was for capitalized Him.

These settlers of Berkley Virginia remind us that America has given thanks from the beginning (except of course, between 1813 and when Lincoln reestablished it due to being pressured by some lady – and don’t worry, unlike Abe, I will not cow down to the needs or desires of women.).

Now nation, I know this isn’t pleasant for you, but since it’s Thanksgiving, I figure hey, perfect time to remind you to be thankful for our illegal war in Iraq. And thankful that I still have not gotten those soldiers from Iraq home. Instead of feeling guilty about it, now I’m going to try and make you feel guilty for not supporting them, and therefore, my initiatives enough.

In June of 2005, a brave American, Lieutenant Michael Murphy, gave his life in defense of his fellow Navy SEALs. Michael was at the time serving his duty in Afghanistan, when his four-man SEAL team was ambushed by a much larger force. Ignore for the purpose of this story that perhaps if I had not sent troops into Iraq, all conflict in Afghanistan may have been over by June of 2005 when Michael was killed, or at the very least, we would have enough men so that the four-man SEAL team would not have been so overwhelmed.

Michael knew that the only way his men would survive was if he managed to contact his base for reinforcements. With complete disregard for his own life, Michael moved into a clearing where he could get a signal. As he made the call, Michael fell under heavy fire. Though severely wounded, he said “thank you” before signing off and returned to the fight. I’d like to think that instead of thanking his platoon for coming to his aid, Lieutenant Murphy was really thanking me for putting him into a position where he could attain such heroic status. His heroism cost him his life, and I felt pretty crummy about that. But then, I pinned the Medal of Honor onto his weeping mother, and that really helped me deal with the guilt. This weekend, we give thanks to all those young Americans fighting overseas who have so far not mutinied against my war, and just keep on fighting because I said it was a good idea.

We’ve changed a lot since our first Thanksgiving. We managed to take out those nasty Indians so that our population could expand to its boarders. We’ve paved the way for the corporate hegemony that our founders always hoped for. We have become a nation well loved around the world, and then given up on that because it was boring being liked by people. We should be grateful for where we are right now, and how we stand in the world. Don’t ever forget that things in this country have never been as great as they are right now, and for that, you really owe your thanks to me. And I owe mine to God. And I like him. And so does my base.

Thank you for listening.

Congress Upset over Choice for Turkey Pardon

WASHINGTON, Nov 21. For over fifty years, it has been traditional for the president of the United States to pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving. However, Controversy struck this year when on the advice of the Vice President, President Bush chose to pardon Mr. Gobbles, who had headed National Security for the past seven years before his retirement last month.

“Mr. Gobbles,” said Dana Perino at a recent White House press briefing, “was the result of a strenuous search of all turkey farms around the country. He is by far the most intelligent turkey we’ve ever had as the head of National Security. More than that, Mr. Gobbles is a patriot, who has served his country faithfully these past seven years.”

Congress is currently trying to stop President Bush’s pardon. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke to the associated press yesterday. “Mr. Gobbles was the planning force behind Abu Ghraib. He practically invented water boarding. We have sources that say he might have even been the motivating force behind the exposure of Valerie Plame and for the national wiretapping scandal. Congress can simply not abide such an easy reprisal for this turkey.”

President Bush addressed Congress’ issues with the turkey today in the Rose Garden. “This is tradition. The president has been allowed to pardon turkeys for years. Mr. Gobbles is by no means the most controversial turkey to cross the presidential plate. One of President Clinton’s turkeys had a cousin who was found on Monica Lewinski’s plate. I do not believe that was a coincidence.”

Certain members of congress are worried that this pardon is an attempt to alleviate the administration of all responsibility in any of the controversies that Mr. Gobbles has been involved in. “Ludicrous”, replied Mr. Cheney. “Mr. Gobbles has been an important member of our security team for years. He submitted papers for retirement months ago that were accepted by the rest of the administration and myself. We simply want to give him the proper send off that this great patriotic bird deserves.”

Thanksgiving

(As always, the butchered version can be found here.)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thanksgiving’s coming up, and like a lot of you, Congress is slacking off and going home for the holiday. It is unconscionable that these guys are taking this time off. And this isn’t just taking a few months off in Texas for summer break before 9/11, this is big time taking off when there is legislation on the table that I don’t like. Congress is trying to keep you paying high taxes and keeping our troops from getting money. Compared to that, taking off time before 9/11 was me forgetting to pick Barney’s poop off the sidewalk.

Congress is keeping from acting on the Alternative Minimum Tax, or AMT. The AMT was made by liberals so that wealthy people would be forced to contribute a bit to the nation, but because it wasn’t adjusted for inflation, now many upper-middle class people are going to have to pay more taxes as well.

America, I’m going to be honest with you. Congress lately has been just pissing me off. It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time that when I wanted some crazy law passed, it got passed. It used to be, the only democrat I had to deal with was Joe Liberman, and I have to say, I liked it that way. Now every other day, I have to talk with Nancy Pelosi, and it’s really annoying.

I’m trying to tell Congress what problem I’m having, but they just want to look after the war! America, you know what I think of taxes. Remember when I passed that big ass tax cut? It was a great idea. I gave the top 1% of the country tons of money, because I figured there were more of them there were of me, and they would of course give you your share. I don’t know if you got that, but I figured it would happen so I didn’t check in on it. Congress is just slow about tax stuff. Tax season is nearly five months away, and if they don’t work fast, it could take them up to an additional two weeks to get the American people their proper refunds. Think about it.

It is clear that Congress’s failure to adjust the AMT for inflation was a mistake. At this point, I would like you to ignore the fact that the bill was passed almost forty years ago, so you can believe that the congressmen on the hill right now were the ones that made that mistake. Now then, Congress had one idea to fix it, but the legislation raised taxes somewhere else, because all these folks were whining that if we don’t get taxes paid at all, then they won’t get paid. I said to them, “I don’t get paid by taxes, I get paid by America, maybe you should get on that plan too?” However, they have not yet gotten onto that plan. I will veto any attempt to raise taxes. What’s wrong with these guys that they think they have the right to raise taxes? Congress must put any political theater behind them. Theater is for gay people.

Congress seems to still have some sand in its underwear over the whole “war” thing and the fact that “I won’t let them have any say in it.” It’s really simple what they’re supposed to do, OK? I say, “We stay in Iraq until the job is done.” They say “Yes sir,” and give me the money I need for my war. That is that. I’m tired of all these constitution huggers saying that Congress has some sort of ability to say when we should be at war, when we shouldn’t, and whether or not they should finance it. Honestly. It’s just ridiculous how these guys treat me.

With these delays, Congress is choosing gay theater over letting George run his country, and you know who they’re really messing with? You, America. Because I am your leader. I was chosen by you, and when Congress messes with me, they’re thumbing their noses at every single one of you. When Congress comes back from Thanksgiving, I want there to be letters at every one of their desks saying, “Leave George alone.” God bless you, America.

Thank you for listening.

END

Veterans Day

(As always, you can see the butchered version here.)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Due to my innate mastery of all things calendar, I have been able to deduce that we have two important holidays this weekend. On Saturday, is the Marine Corps birthday, and I’ve been barely able to assemble enough candles for the cake. And then on Sunday, it’s Veterans Day, which is my favorite holiday, since as all of you know, I was almost a veteran once too.

The Marine’s are really tough. My big complaint about the marines is that they wouldn’t let me do my “Mission Accomplished” speech on their boats. Apparently, they don’t have photogenic boats, so I had to announce everything on a naval vessel instead, which was a blow to my ego, as you can imagine, I’m sure. The Marines are the happy back bone of our war in Iraq. They’re just like the little woodland critters in Cinderella, singing and dancing and just thrilled to still be in the desert. We owe them a debt of thanks, and the best way to thank them is to make sure they know that their being in Iraq is supported by everyone, so they know there’s nothing that’ll force them to leave before the job is done!

We should also remember those folks who were scarred when my daddy sent them into Iraq, so on Veterans day, we take some time to do that. But only those ones that came back. The dead ones have got Memorial Day.

The great thing about Veterans Day is that it reminds us why we should feel guilty for not taking care of our veterans enough. When you pass a homeless vet on the street most days, you should just ignore him. But on Veterans Day, we pretend that our country cares about him! My administration has made that half-hearted attempt. We have greatly increased the funding for veterans almost as much as we’ve increased the number of veterans! Hundreds of thousands of folks coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan with all those new holes in them can feel safe in assuming that we will be treating them in the next five to ten years.

These are the generous actions of a grateful Nation – and now, I’d like to talk about me, and why the legislative branch is on my ass again. I’m trying to put this guy into the Department of Veterans Affairs: Doctor James Peake. Now, ignore for a second that I haven’t had a guy in this department in three months. That was unfortunate, but I was busy caring about Veterans! Too busy to delegate that care! Now that I’ve put him up for the job, we can put all the blame on Congress for not moving fast enough and putting him into office. I guess we can really see who doesn’t care about the Veterans.

Some folks have said that there’s a problem with how the veterans are treated, and that we need some new laws to make sure they get treated better. With that in mind, my administration has circumvented the normal flow of paper in Washington so that we could write a bill, as opposed to the Legislative branch doing it which some constitution huggers support. Needless to say, I like this bill. I mean, I ought to like it. Me and my buddies wrote it! I think that things would run much smoother in government if the Democrats and the backstabbers, I mean, Republicans, could approve it ASAP!

I knew I had to take the responsibility and write the bill when I saw the bills that Congress was trying to slip under my nose. It was all, “Set a time table,” “We want our say in the government,” and other kinds of ridiculous chatter, aimed at taking away my right to run the country like I see fit. Maybe Congress could take some time, look at my bill, and only add things in to it that I want to see in it, like weekly ice cream socials at the White House. And I want them to hurry up. I may have waited three months to appoint a new head to the Department of Veterans Affairs, but that doesn’t mean that they should make me think about this stuff right now! It’s Thanksgiving coming up! Congress can thank our Veterans by passing my bill right now!

Tomorrow, I urge every one of you to thank one our Nation’s 24 million veterans. I will spend the day thanking myself for my valiant service guarding Texas from the commies. Veterans are just like you, except that we love our country more. You should never forget what you owe us.

Thank you for listening.

END

President Shot, White House Declares War on Pwning

WASHINGTON, November 8 – Last night, at approximately 10:24 EST, the President was shot in the multiplayer world of Halo 3. According to a White House Press briefing, President Bush and four secret service agents had decided to enter the multiplayer world in order to go on a fact finding mission, aimed at reconnecting with the nations youth. Less than twenty seconds after they connected, three of the secret service agents and the President himself had been brought down.

Lawrence Wilkins, the sole surviving member of the Secret Service detachment, spoke to the associated press this morning. Said Wilkins, “We’d just arrived at the harsh, barren world, when a sniper’s bullet took out Agent Dawson. Seconds later, Agent Brown was taken down as well. Agent Hansen and I both tried to figure out how to lay down suppression fire or tackle the President, but by the time I’d managed to get a handle on the controls, both the President and Agent Hansen were dead.”

According to Wilkins, an attacker then shouted, “N00b5! U bin PWN3D!” The message has been brought to the CIA where Arabic translators have been working with chief decoders to try and deduce the messages meaning.

The White House’s response has been quick. Less than two minutes after the President’s decease, Vice President Cheney was quickly removed from Animal Crossing and the houses of his friends burnt to the ground. Said Cheney, “Some may see our immediate response as too harsh, but I believe history will vindicate our actions.”

As of this report, the Homeland Security has determined that the President and his men were targeted by a five man team. Though four of the conspirators remain unidentified, the CIA has managed to trace one IP address to a South Carolina University student, Robert Montgomery. The student has now been arrested, but so far has refused to admit any connection to a local Al-Qaeda cell.

Anonymous government sources have told us that more cells are now being looked for in multiplayer hubs. “We have no idea how wide spread this conspiracy may be, but I can tell you this, we are going to make sure that none of those men were pwn3d in vain.”

White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino commented on this new front in the war on terror. “People believe our reaction to this has been swift, and it has. We’ve been waiting for something like this to happen. And to those liberal nay-sayers who are already fretting over this, let me remind you of something. Our response cannot be harsh enough. The President really was virtually shot.”

In Focus: Judicial Nominations

(To view the broadcast version, or as I like to call it, the BUTCHERED version, just click here.)

Good morning. On Tuesday, the Senate Judiciary Committee will vote on Mike’s nomination to be my next Attorney General. Why I have to ask them about my appointees, I have no idea, but they better listen, because I don’t like having to invite people to my parties that I don’t like. It’s like when I was six and my dad wanted me to have that Bin Laden kid at my birthday and he just kept on talking political stuff, and I didn’t like having him there because he was too damn tall and he smelled bad.

America? Can you remind the Senate that WE ARE AT WAR?? They seem to think we should take everything all slow tortoise like, but c’mon, people! WAR! We need someone in there fast, and no one that these sissy democrats are going to put in to prosecute my cabinet with war crimes.

I really like Mike. He’s got a bunch of experience, and he knows that 9/11 means duck and cover, give George his toys. And after 9/11, that’s just what he did. He put together all the warrants we needed to tap phones, go into libraries, and do all that crazy crap we managed to shove into the Patriot Act. I remember when he went after that other terrorist. I don’t remember what he did, but I remember he went after him, and that’s all I need to know.

This is the kind of leader America needs to head the Department of Justice at this important moment in our history. Mike’s a man of character. He is liked by me and at least four democrats. In other words, if you want Bi-Partisan, you pick Mike. Simple as that.

But ever since I told the senate who I wanted, they've been asking questions and twiddling their thumbs, generally being the babies we all know they are. He has spent more time talking to them than I spent on the SATs! That’s crazy! We’re just putting in an Attorney General. I’ve already had two others, they should know the deal by now, but no! Even though they should just let him in already, they keep on coming back to this stupid “torture” thing that I’m not saying even happened anyway.

I talked to Mike about it, and he sent a very nice letter to the Senate Judiciary Committee, saying that he couldn’t possibly tell them his opinion on what is “legal” for a bunch of really good reasons. I mean, to start off with, no one is saying if this whole “torture” thing happened. It’s classified! Who knows what the hell’s been going on over there in Iraq? How can he know if something is legal if he doesn’t even know it happened? Number 2, if these “alleged events” happened (and who’s saying they did?), we don’t want the people who did them to worry about how long they’re gonna go to prison for it! They might stop doing it if they’re doing anything at all that no one’s saying they’re doing!

Finally, we don’t want the terrorists to know what we are allowed to do or not allowed to do to them! We can’t let them think we’re a bunch of sissies! These folks got TV over there, so we need them thinking we’re going in there all Jack Bauer, and if they don’t tell us what we wanna know, we could do anything we want! After all, if we can’t twist some Muslim nuts, the terrorists win.

This committee shouldn’t make a decision on who should be the leading law enforcement officer simply on his ideas of what might or might not be legal. I think we can all agree that that is ridiculous. And if they say they don’t want this guy in office, then who do they want? Ronald McDonald? It’s not going to happen. And that’ll be their fault. Remember, America. We’re at war.

It’s time to tell the senate that they should just listen to me. I haven’t made any mistakes yet, especially not in my choosing of the attorney general or in my definitions of what is or isn’t legal. We need Jack Bauer in office, and if we can’t get him, then we need Mike. He’s tough, and I can tell you from going to the gym with him, he’s got some big balls. Senate, we’re at war. Confirm already.

Thank you for listening.

END