Veterans Day

(As always, you can see the butchered version here.)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Due to my innate mastery of all things calendar, I have been able to deduce that we have two important holidays this weekend. On Saturday, is the Marine Corps birthday, and I’ve been barely able to assemble enough candles for the cake. And then on Sunday, it’s Veterans Day, which is my favorite holiday, since as all of you know, I was almost a veteran once too.

The Marine’s are really tough. My big complaint about the marines is that they wouldn’t let me do my “Mission Accomplished” speech on their boats. Apparently, they don’t have photogenic boats, so I had to announce everything on a naval vessel instead, which was a blow to my ego, as you can imagine, I’m sure. The Marines are the happy back bone of our war in Iraq. They’re just like the little woodland critters in Cinderella, singing and dancing and just thrilled to still be in the desert. We owe them a debt of thanks, and the best way to thank them is to make sure they know that their being in Iraq is supported by everyone, so they know there’s nothing that’ll force them to leave before the job is done!

We should also remember those folks who were scarred when my daddy sent them into Iraq, so on Veterans day, we take some time to do that. But only those ones that came back. The dead ones have got Memorial Day.

The great thing about Veterans Day is that it reminds us why we should feel guilty for not taking care of our veterans enough. When you pass a homeless vet on the street most days, you should just ignore him. But on Veterans Day, we pretend that our country cares about him! My administration has made that half-hearted attempt. We have greatly increased the funding for veterans almost as much as we’ve increased the number of veterans! Hundreds of thousands of folks coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan with all those new holes in them can feel safe in assuming that we will be treating them in the next five to ten years.

These are the generous actions of a grateful Nation – and now, I’d like to talk about me, and why the legislative branch is on my ass again. I’m trying to put this guy into the Department of Veterans Affairs: Doctor James Peake. Now, ignore for a second that I haven’t had a guy in this department in three months. That was unfortunate, but I was busy caring about Veterans! Too busy to delegate that care! Now that I’ve put him up for the job, we can put all the blame on Congress for not moving fast enough and putting him into office. I guess we can really see who doesn’t care about the Veterans.

Some folks have said that there’s a problem with how the veterans are treated, and that we need some new laws to make sure they get treated better. With that in mind, my administration has circumvented the normal flow of paper in Washington so that we could write a bill, as opposed to the Legislative branch doing it which some constitution huggers support. Needless to say, I like this bill. I mean, I ought to like it. Me and my buddies wrote it! I think that things would run much smoother in government if the Democrats and the backstabbers, I mean, Republicans, could approve it ASAP!

I knew I had to take the responsibility and write the bill when I saw the bills that Congress was trying to slip under my nose. It was all, “Set a time table,” “We want our say in the government,” and other kinds of ridiculous chatter, aimed at taking away my right to run the country like I see fit. Maybe Congress could take some time, look at my bill, and only add things in to it that I want to see in it, like weekly ice cream socials at the White House. And I want them to hurry up. I may have waited three months to appoint a new head to the Department of Veterans Affairs, but that doesn’t mean that they should make me think about this stuff right now! It’s Thanksgiving coming up! Congress can thank our Veterans by passing my bill right now!

Tomorrow, I urge every one of you to thank one our Nation’s 24 million veterans. I will spend the day thanking myself for my valiant service guarding Texas from the commies. Veterans are just like you, except that we love our country more. You should never forget what you owe us.

Thank you for listening.

END