Good morning. On Tuesday, the Senate Judiciary Committee will vote on Mike’s nomination to be my next Attorney General. Why I have to ask them about my appointees, I have no idea, but they better listen, because I don’t like having to invite people to my parties that I don’t like. It’s like when I was six and my dad wanted me to have that Bin Laden kid at my birthday and he just kept on talking political stuff, and I didn’t like having him there because he was too damn tall and he smelled bad.
America? Can you remind the Senate that WE ARE AT WAR?? They seem to think we should take everything all slow tortoise like, but c’mon, people! WAR! We need someone in there fast, and no one that these sissy democrats are going to put in to prosecute my cabinet with war crimes.
I really like Mike. He’s got a bunch of experience, and he knows that 9/11 means duck and cover, give George his toys. And after 9/11, that’s just what he did. He put together all the warrants we needed to tap phones, go into libraries, and do all that crazy crap we managed to shove into the Patriot Act. I remember when he went after that other terrorist. I don’t remember what he did, but I remember he went after him, and that’s all I need to know.
This is the kind of leader America needs to head the Department of Justice at this important moment in our history. Mike’s a man of character. He is liked by me and at least four democrats. In other words, if you want Bi-Partisan, you pick Mike. Simple as that.
But ever since I told the senate who I wanted, they've been asking questions and twiddling their thumbs, generally being the babies we all know they are. He has spent more time talking to them than I spent on the SATs! That’s crazy! We’re just putting in an Attorney General. I’ve already had two others, they should know the deal by now, but no! Even though they should just let him in already, they keep on coming back to this stupid “torture” thing that I’m not saying even happened anyway.
I talked to Mike about it, and he sent a very nice letter to the Senate Judiciary Committee, saying that he couldn’t possibly tell them his opinion on what is “legal” for a bunch of really good reasons. I mean, to start off with, no one is saying if this whole “torture” thing happened. It’s classified! Who knows what the hell’s been going on over there in Iraq? How can he know if something is legal if he doesn’t even know it happened? Number 2, if these “alleged events” happened (and who’s saying they did?), we don’t want the people who did them to worry about how long they’re gonna go to prison for it! They might stop doing it if they’re doing anything at all that no one’s saying they’re doing!
Finally, we don’t want the terrorists to know what we are allowed to do or not allowed to do to them! We can’t let them think we’re a bunch of sissies! These folks got TV over there, so we need them thinking we’re going in there all Jack Bauer, and if they don’t tell us what we wanna know, we could do anything we want! After all, if we can’t twist some Muslim nuts, the terrorists win.
This committee shouldn’t make a decision on who should be the leading law enforcement officer simply on his ideas of what might or might not be legal. I think we can all agree that that is ridiculous. And if they say they don’t want this guy in office, then who do they want? Ronald McDonald? It’s not going to happen. And that’ll be their fault. Remember, America. We’re at war.
It’s time to tell the senate that they should just listen to me. I haven’t made any mistakes yet, especially not in my choosing of the attorney general or in my definitions of what is or isn’t legal. We need Jack Bauer in office, and if we can’t get him, then we need Mike. He’s tough, and I can tell you from going to the gym with him, he’s got some big balls. Senate, we’re at war. Confirm already.
Thank you for listening.
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