Thanksgiving (Again)

(As always, the butchered version can be found here.)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. This week, Laura’s private maid put a delicious turkey in the oven for us, letting me know that it was Thanksgiving. I gave thanks for many things. I was thankful for my little dog Barney, for our great future success in Iraq, and for how I am sure that History will look upon me as a great president. And now, just to make all those atheists in our country feel the fires of hell upon their backs, I’m going to remind you that I am a Christian. Everything comes from God, and if you are an atheist, I don’t like you.

Now I know you thought I was going to spend just last week talking about Thanksgiving, but this year, I really felt that two addresses on Thanksgiving were important. In recent years, I’ve talked about other things on Thanksgiving outside of God and the Holiday, but I feel a little bit lonely right now, so instead, I think I’d prefer to try and reenergize my base. So let me remind you of this: our country was started by a bunch of people who really liked God, and their first Thanksgiving was for capitalized Him.

These settlers of Berkley Virginia remind us that America has given thanks from the beginning (except of course, between 1813 and when Lincoln reestablished it due to being pressured by some lady – and don’t worry, unlike Abe, I will not cow down to the needs or desires of women.).

Now nation, I know this isn’t pleasant for you, but since it’s Thanksgiving, I figure hey, perfect time to remind you to be thankful for our illegal war in Iraq. And thankful that I still have not gotten those soldiers from Iraq home. Instead of feeling guilty about it, now I’m going to try and make you feel guilty for not supporting them, and therefore, my initiatives enough.

In June of 2005, a brave American, Lieutenant Michael Murphy, gave his life in defense of his fellow Navy SEALs. Michael was at the time serving his duty in Afghanistan, when his four-man SEAL team was ambushed by a much larger force. Ignore for the purpose of this story that perhaps if I had not sent troops into Iraq, all conflict in Afghanistan may have been over by June of 2005 when Michael was killed, or at the very least, we would have enough men so that the four-man SEAL team would not have been so overwhelmed.

Michael knew that the only way his men would survive was if he managed to contact his base for reinforcements. With complete disregard for his own life, Michael moved into a clearing where he could get a signal. As he made the call, Michael fell under heavy fire. Though severely wounded, he said “thank you” before signing off and returned to the fight. I’d like to think that instead of thanking his platoon for coming to his aid, Lieutenant Murphy was really thanking me for putting him into a position where he could attain such heroic status. His heroism cost him his life, and I felt pretty crummy about that. But then, I pinned the Medal of Honor onto his weeping mother, and that really helped me deal with the guilt. This weekend, we give thanks to all those young Americans fighting overseas who have so far not mutinied against my war, and just keep on fighting because I said it was a good idea.

We’ve changed a lot since our first Thanksgiving. We managed to take out those nasty Indians so that our population could expand to its boarders. We’ve paved the way for the corporate hegemony that our founders always hoped for. We have become a nation well loved around the world, and then given up on that because it was boring being liked by people. We should be grateful for where we are right now, and how we stand in the world. Don’t ever forget that things in this country have never been as great as they are right now, and for that, you really owe your thanks to me. And I owe mine to God. And I like him. And so does my base.

Thank you for listening.