Thanksgiving

(As always, the butchered version can be found here.)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thanksgiving’s coming up, and like a lot of you, Congress is slacking off and going home for the holiday. It is unconscionable that these guys are taking this time off. And this isn’t just taking a few months off in Texas for summer break before 9/11, this is big time taking off when there is legislation on the table that I don’t like. Congress is trying to keep you paying high taxes and keeping our troops from getting money. Compared to that, taking off time before 9/11 was me forgetting to pick Barney’s poop off the sidewalk.

Congress is keeping from acting on the Alternative Minimum Tax, or AMT. The AMT was made by liberals so that wealthy people would be forced to contribute a bit to the nation, but because it wasn’t adjusted for inflation, now many upper-middle class people are going to have to pay more taxes as well.

America, I’m going to be honest with you. Congress lately has been just pissing me off. It didn’t used to be this way. There was a time that when I wanted some crazy law passed, it got passed. It used to be, the only democrat I had to deal with was Joe Liberman, and I have to say, I liked it that way. Now every other day, I have to talk with Nancy Pelosi, and it’s really annoying.

I’m trying to tell Congress what problem I’m having, but they just want to look after the war! America, you know what I think of taxes. Remember when I passed that big ass tax cut? It was a great idea. I gave the top 1% of the country tons of money, because I figured there were more of them there were of me, and they would of course give you your share. I don’t know if you got that, but I figured it would happen so I didn’t check in on it. Congress is just slow about tax stuff. Tax season is nearly five months away, and if they don’t work fast, it could take them up to an additional two weeks to get the American people their proper refunds. Think about it.

It is clear that Congress’s failure to adjust the AMT for inflation was a mistake. At this point, I would like you to ignore the fact that the bill was passed almost forty years ago, so you can believe that the congressmen on the hill right now were the ones that made that mistake. Now then, Congress had one idea to fix it, but the legislation raised taxes somewhere else, because all these folks were whining that if we don’t get taxes paid at all, then they won’t get paid. I said to them, “I don’t get paid by taxes, I get paid by America, maybe you should get on that plan too?” However, they have not yet gotten onto that plan. I will veto any attempt to raise taxes. What’s wrong with these guys that they think they have the right to raise taxes? Congress must put any political theater behind them. Theater is for gay people.

Congress seems to still have some sand in its underwear over the whole “war” thing and the fact that “I won’t let them have any say in it.” It’s really simple what they’re supposed to do, OK? I say, “We stay in Iraq until the job is done.” They say “Yes sir,” and give me the money I need for my war. That is that. I’m tired of all these constitution huggers saying that Congress has some sort of ability to say when we should be at war, when we shouldn’t, and whether or not they should finance it. Honestly. It’s just ridiculous how these guys treat me.

With these delays, Congress is choosing gay theater over letting George run his country, and you know who they’re really messing with? You, America. Because I am your leader. I was chosen by you, and when Congress messes with me, they’re thumbing their noses at every single one of you. When Congress comes back from Thanksgiving, I want there to be letters at every one of their desks saying, “Leave George alone.” God bless you, America.

Thank you for listening.

END