WASHINGTON, Nov 21. For over fifty years, it has been traditional for the president of the United States to pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving. However, Controversy struck this year when on the advice of the Vice President, President Bush chose to pardon Mr. Gobbles, who had headed National Security for the past seven years before his retirement last month.
“Mr. Gobbles,” said Dana Perino at a recent White House press briefing, “was the result of a strenuous search of all turkey farms around the country. He is by far the most intelligent turkey we’ve ever had as the head of National Security. More than that, Mr. Gobbles is a patriot, who has served his country faithfully these past seven years.”
Congress is currently trying to stop President Bush’s pardon. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke to the associated press yesterday. “Mr. Gobbles was the planning force behind Abu Ghraib. He practically invented water boarding. We have sources that say he might have even been the motivating force behind the exposure of Valerie Plame and for the national wiretapping scandal. Congress can simply not abide such an easy reprisal for this turkey.”
President Bush addressed Congress’ issues with the turkey today in the Rose Garden. “This is tradition. The president has been allowed to pardon turkeys for years. Mr. Gobbles is by no means the most controversial turkey to cross the presidential plate. One of President Clinton’s turkeys had a cousin who was found on Monica Lewinski’s plate. I do not believe that was a coincidence.”
Certain members of congress are worried that this pardon is an attempt to alleviate the administration of all responsibility in any of the controversies that Mr. Gobbles has been involved in. “Ludicrous”, replied Mr. Cheney. “Mr. Gobbles has been an important member of our security team for years. He submitted papers for retirement months ago that were accepted by the rest of the administration and myself. We simply want to give him the proper send off that this great patriotic bird deserves.”
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