President Shot, White House Declares War on Pwning

WASHINGTON, November 8 – Last night, at approximately 10:24 EST, the President was shot in the multiplayer world of Halo 3. According to a White House Press briefing, President Bush and four secret service agents had decided to enter the multiplayer world in order to go on a fact finding mission, aimed at reconnecting with the nations youth. Less than twenty seconds after they connected, three of the secret service agents and the President himself had been brought down.

Lawrence Wilkins, the sole surviving member of the Secret Service detachment, spoke to the associated press this morning. Said Wilkins, “We’d just arrived at the harsh, barren world, when a sniper’s bullet took out Agent Dawson. Seconds later, Agent Brown was taken down as well. Agent Hansen and I both tried to figure out how to lay down suppression fire or tackle the President, but by the time I’d managed to get a handle on the controls, both the President and Agent Hansen were dead.”

According to Wilkins, an attacker then shouted, “N00b5! U bin PWN3D!” The message has been brought to the CIA where Arabic translators have been working with chief decoders to try and deduce the messages meaning.

The White House’s response has been quick. Less than two minutes after the President’s decease, Vice President Cheney was quickly removed from Animal Crossing and the houses of his friends burnt to the ground. Said Cheney, “Some may see our immediate response as too harsh, but I believe history will vindicate our actions.”

As of this report, the Homeland Security has determined that the President and his men were targeted by a five man team. Though four of the conspirators remain unidentified, the CIA has managed to trace one IP address to a South Carolina University student, Robert Montgomery. The student has now been arrested, but so far has refused to admit any connection to a local Al-Qaeda cell.

Anonymous government sources have told us that more cells are now being looked for in multiplayer hubs. “We have no idea how wide spread this conspiracy may be, but I can tell you this, we are going to make sure that none of those men were pwn3d in vain.”

White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino commented on this new front in the war on terror. “People believe our reaction to this has been swift, and it has. We’ve been waiting for something like this to happen. And to those liberal nay-sayers who are already fretting over this, let me remind you of something. Our response cannot be harsh enough. The President really was virtually shot.”